He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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