Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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