I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
