in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
