i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This is my gift to your gina
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So. Much. Porn.
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