Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
