just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
