textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she woke up with a sticky ear
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize