found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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