something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
