here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
