I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
