I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
