so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
