Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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