I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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