you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
