I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
