Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
