Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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