She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
