yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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