my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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