i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
