Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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