you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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