Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
