The maid of honor just puked.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Are my feet made of real feet?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
