meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
