I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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