I am puke
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
