Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
