a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
