Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
