i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
