what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
