I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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