I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
