We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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