Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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