I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
