Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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