Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
