Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
