what day is it and did you see me today?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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