I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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