I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
