She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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