Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
