I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
