tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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