On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I understand Curling. That high.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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