I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
