Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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