I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
