is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
