Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize